Apparently everyone has at least one book in them. I don’t know if that’s true. If it is, then it’s not surprising that so many people have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Dust jackets play havoc with digestion.

But lame gags aside, writing a novel is something that has stopped me enjoying bookshops for several years now. Because as I wander aimlessly between the shelves, making that difficult decision as to whether to buy the latest Jeffrey Archer or save up for a lobotomy, there’s always the feeling that instead of reading a book, I should be writing my own.

I don’t mean an autobiography. Because, let’s be honest, I’m really not that interesting. I could cover the various genres, I suppose; ‘horror’ would be a swab I had at an STD clinic in 1993, ‘tragedy’ would be when I ruined a £50 T-shirt by jumping in a fountain in 1998 and ‘adventure’ would be when I got lost in Leicester’s one-way system and had to phone a relative for help. Other than that, it’d all be terribly dull.

No, my novel would have to be completely made-up. A work of fiction, you might say. But when to start it?

Er… November, that’s when. Because, like a number of other misguided people around the world, I will be taking part in ‘Nanowrimo‘ throughout November.

‘Nanowrimo’ isn’t, surprisingly, a poetry-writing competition for Nannies. (Sounds interesting? Google ‘granny-verse-ary’). No, it’s a chance for anyone to commit themselves to writing a 50,000 word novel during November, and thus achieve a long-term goal that very few people ever get around to achieving.

The secret to success, apparently, is to just write. Not to write well – but to write. Only after 50,000 words have been committed to the page do you then go through the arduous process of turning what is probably 50,000 words of utter shite into an acceptable work of literature. Or at least a bloody good yarn.

50,000 words in a month is a huge amount. To achieve it, I’ll be basically vomiting – metaphorically, of course – words onto the page.

I do have a plan. There’s a vague idea of a plot. A central character. And even a title and some chapter headings. But the thing about ‘Nanowrimo’ is that you’re not allowed to start writing until November 1st. Which makes the fact that I have the last week of October off work incredibly piss-poor timing!

Why do I put myself through these things? See you on the other side…